Wicked Stepmoms

I live in Maine, where everything awesome is wicked - wicked good, wicked comfy, wicked smart - except stepmoms. We are still wicked, as in mean, terrible, and unwanted.

I was surprised when the wicked stepmom stereotype was applied to me. I am an educated, professional woman who is hardworking, dedicated, and emotionally and financially stable. I brought support and resources to the family - my husband and I make a great team and give the boys everything they need for a happy childhood. I stepped up to take care of children who were not my own.

My husband’s former in-laws treated him like a hero when he married their daughter. He adopted and provided for their grandson, who had never met his biological father. He stepped up to father a young boy who was not his own. He and his late wife had two more boys, Will and Nick; she died when the youngest, Nick, was five. My husband and I met, dated, and married when Nick was seven and desperately needed a maternal figure.

The “hero” label attached to stepfathers who care for children that are not their own generally does not apply to stepmothers. It should, but it does not.

My husband’s former in-laws told the boys repeatedly that I would be a wicked stepmother - demanding, strict, and unloving. A month after we were married and I moved into their house, Nick told me he knew I was not a wicked stepmother as his grandparents had said. If I were a wicked stepmother, I would have locked him inside his room and never let him go to the bathroom. He would smell and be hungry and have no friends. I agreed with him - I am not a wicked stepmother. I assured him that I would never do something like that because I loved him and wanted what was best for him.

My husband’s former in-laws needed me to be a wicked stepmother. They did not want the boys forming a strong, familial bond with me. They were still grieving the loss of their daughter, and I think they needed everyone to stay in the pit of misery with them. They used fear to keep their grandsons from accepting me, which worked for a while but ultimately failed.

The wicked stepmother trope enforces the false premise that the only good mom is a biological mom. Hero or wicked, it does not matter what people think. We cannot change their perspective or control their words and actions. All we can do is not let their noise distract us from creating the calm, resilient, happy family we want.