Who are your stepchildren and what do they need?

Understanding and responding appropriately to behavior is one of the most complex parenting challenges, especially when you have not known your stepchildren since birth. Observing all kinds of behavior can help you understand your stepchildren’s personalities, what is important to them, what they need, and how best to communicate and interact with them.

The American Psychology Association defines personality as “the enduring characteristics and behavior that comprise a person’s unique adjustment to life, including major traits, interests, drives, values, self-concept, abilities, and emotional patterns… Personality helps determine behavior.”

I recommend starting with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) that identifies 16 different personalities based on four dichotomies: introvert/extrovert (IE), thinking/feeling (TF), sensing/intuiting (SN), and judging/perception (JP). Simply Psychology does a great job explaining the Myers-Briggs types.

My youngest stepson is an ESFJ, almost opposite my INTJ personality. He is the only extrovert (E) in our family; he needs more social interaction than the rest of us - he loves family game nights, play dates with friends, and talking through movies. He needs a calm, structured environment - always knowing what to expect and what comes next. He does not do well with surprises; even good surprises can cause anxiety that leads to frustration. If we have a surprise for him, I tell him generally what the surprise is (playdate, party, gift, activity) and hold back a few details to be excited and surprised about. After exciting events, we talk about how normal life is wonderful when you look for things to be thankful for, teaching him to manage his expectations and find contentment.

He struggles with negative feedback and gets upset about disappointing us, making discipline so emotional that he misses the point. With him, discipline is most effective when it is calm, instructional, and active. (1) Understanding why it was wrong, (2) taking responsibility for his actions, (3) apologizing, (4) trying to make it right, and (5) making a better choice next time gives him a positive way to address his behavior and build confidence knowing that he can trust himself to make good choices. Understanding his personality has helped me address the “why” of his anger, frustration, lack of motivation, anxiety, etc., appreciate what he values, and provide what he needs from me.

When we understand their personality, we can interpret behaviors to understand and meet our stepchildren’s needs in a way that demonstrates how much we love them and want what is best for them.

Disclaimer: I am not providing medical, mental health, or religious advice in any way. Always seek the advice of your medical provider and/or mental health provider regarding any questions or concerns about your or your dependent’s specific health needs.

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