Till Death Do We Part

Traditional marriage vows state, “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do we part.”

Our culture is riddled with phrases like “soul mate,” “forever love,” “forever and a day,” and “one and only” that disregard one core truth about life - it is for living. We can continue to love someone who has died, but the relationship does not change or grow. The relationship remains in the past, a chapter in our life that ended.

The harsh truth is that the marriage ends when a spouse dies. That person is no longer a wife or husband - they are now a “late wife” or “late husband.” In-laws are now “former in-laws.” Loyalty and fidelity to the late spouse are no longer a marital obligation. The relationship is over.

A widow or widower has no obligation to adult children or the late spouse’s family, best friends, co-workers, etc., to grieve for a specific time, live a certain way, or wait a certain time before dating again. A person is as free to make decisions for their own life as they were before they went on their first date as a single person, and if they marry again, they are no longer a widow or widower.

However, dealing with the late spouse’s family and friends can be the most challenging aspect of dating a widow or widower because people place their own grief, opinions, and interests over what is best for the widow or widower. People act like being selfish, judgmental, and manipulating is okay because someone died.

“Who died and made you king/queen?” is a phrase you may repeat in your head as someone tells you that you should not be dating the widower because (1) it has not been long enough since she died, (2) the children are not ready to meet a possible maternal figure, (3) mother-in-law/sister-in-law/aunt/late wife’s best friend is all the woman he needs, or (4) you are too much/not enough like the late wife - choose an opinion or insert another absurd reason you have heard.

Whatever the reason, it is not their life! The widow or widower is the only person who makes decisions for their life, who determines if it is too soon to date, if the children are ready, and who they want in their life. Everyone else should just shut up and realize that it is not their choice what someone else decides to do with their life.

The morning after our intimate family-only wedding, the best friend of my husband’s late wife screamed at my husband and called me a “f*cking” replacement. She has never apologized, and my husband has made it clear that she is not welcome in our house. I am his wife, and he protects me from people from his past who demonstrate unacceptable behavior.

The widow or widower is responsible for managing the people in their lives. If the widow or widower does not establish boundaries and address unacceptable behavior toward you as a new love interest, it may be best to walk (or run) away from the relationship. You deserve to be loved and cared for as much as a first spouse and never put in a position where you are attacked for being in the relationship, made to feel inferior, or need to compete with a dead person for attention.

My husband is my one and only, and I am his. As our wedding vows stated, he has forsaken all others, including his late wife.